New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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