cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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