Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
