last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
