Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
