so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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