Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
