I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
