Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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