literally had 100 drinks last night.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
