Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize