The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Couch. On fire.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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