summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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