I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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