cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
