there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
