Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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