Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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