margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
