Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
