Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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