someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
