I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
