The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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