i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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