He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
