don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
