This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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