my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My vagina is officially offended.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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