Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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