If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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