the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
