the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We're too hungover to prance.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
