remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
