FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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