I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
