Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
