Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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