i already hear my dad disowning me
pop tarts are not kleenex
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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