When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
