matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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