she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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