eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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