You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
