Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
