I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
