Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
