I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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