We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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