Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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