Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize