why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
