my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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