I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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