I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize