If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
