remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
