Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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