just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
