Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
