and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry about my life...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
