I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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