i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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