DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
