so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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